Dear Jeauni 02: Our Different Love Languages...
If love's flame burns bright, but the styles don't match, are we headed for a clash of patterns or merely in search of the missing pieces to translation?
Q. Dear Jeauni, my partner and I love each other a lot, but we have different love languages. How would you go at showing and receiving affection towards a partner with opposite love languages than you?
A. Dear Lost In Translation, let's dive right in with a crucial revelation: The love language theory is like a Gucci bag on canal…FAKE(ish); It’s got all the looks, but should you really buy it?
The theory of love languages was created by Baptist preacher Gary Chapman in a 30+ year-old book, based on a demographic straight out of a 1950s sitcom – think heterosexual, cisgender, Christian, and Caucasian couples. It's like we're stuck in a musty vintage store, and frankly, it's time to ditch this poorly-ventilated love doctrine.
Can you remember taking one of those love language quizzes? Didn’t you ever feel like you valued all of the choices and actually craved a FULL LOVE ENSEMBLE!? Let’s be real, most of us aren't limited to just one “love language” – we're into the whole package; a monochromatic Ferragamo 1920s-inspired look, if you will.
Now for my little love suggestion: Both of you need to stop pigeonholing each other and yourselves. You’re missing out on beautiful opportunities to notice your love exchange because of these narrow constructs: I’m words of affirmation, I’m a minimalist, I’m a maximalist, I’m physical touch – why be one kind of person, when you can be EVERY PERSON (Sorry, Chaka Khan, it’s 2024 and not everyone identifies as a woman)? Both of you are in a constant state of growth, so what’s #1 on your SSENSE sale wishlist won’t be #1 tomorrow; context matters, and defining one way to meet your needs as the end-all-be-all sets you both up for disappointment.
It’s better to think of your love as a balanced wardrobe rather than tiered languages you just can’t seem to translate. If you solely invested in dresses, you’d wake up one day and realize most of them don’t match your one pair of shoes. The truth is, you need to consistently pour a little into every category to make sure your closet can adapt to who the both of you are becoming, together and separately. And don’t be afraid to communicate what you need. In my most recent relationship, I discovered that openly expressing my needs without blame towards my partner fostered a space of vulnerability that allowed us to feel loved and supported. Just as you embrace the arrival of a newly appointed creative director at your favorite fashion house, it's vital to be open to how your partner expresses their love for you. Their unique approach reflects their individuality, and perhaps allowing their affectionate vision to envelop you wouldn't be a bad idea. You might even discover it’s a better fit than you thought.
Love isn’t about matching styles, becoming one, or morphing to fit each other perfectly…It’s a daily conscious effort of truly SEEING the way someone loves you and not being afraid to guide one another when you need more. Love languages, despite originating from a less-than-fabulous human, can offer a simplistic starting point, but they're hardly the roadmap to all the meaningful ways we can express and receive profound love. Rely on them as your guiding star, and you may end up lost in translation.
Cue the music, darling
With Love,
Jeauni