Dear Jeauni 03: I'm Not Sure About My Sexuality...
If our identities are meant for Haute Couture, why do we settle for Ready-to-Wear?
Q. Dear Jeauni, I have never been too sure about my sexuality. People have always assumed that I’m gay, even though I’ve only been with the opposite sex. I have always thought of myself as straight, but recently, I have found myself being attracted to the same sex. I can’t tell if I just don’t know myself, or if I’m feeling pressured. If people already assume I’m gay, do I just have to accept the fact that I am or is there more to it than that?
Dear Questioning, I want to begin by thanking you for being vulnerable with me and sharing one of the most delicate experiences in a person’s life: the exploration of one’s sexuality. Questioning your sexuality can be a complex journey, and it's entirely normal to feel uncertain or even overwhelmed by it all. But much like transparent fashion, where layers are peeled back to reveal the essence beneath, your exploration of sexuality can invite you to delve beyond surface assumptions and embrace the complexity of your identity.
But before I give you my advice, I want to take a moment to be vulnerable and stand in solidarity with you by sharing my own experience: Like you, the confusion sparked by the disconnect between my feelings and the expectations imposed upon me as a young person was overwhelming. I had been called gay long before I ever developed feelings for another boy and, although I would later come out as gay as a teen, the majority of my childhood was spent with butterflies in my stomach for girls. Despite the relief that washed over me upon coming out being palpable (one also felt by everyone so desperate to categorize me), I found myself still wrestling with unanswered questions. Ultimately, at that time, the complexities of sexuality were too much for me to understand and I brushed it off as being nothing more than a transitional period from straight to gay.
It wasn't until later in life, amidst the shifting tides of conversation surrounding gender and sexuality, that I naturally found myself delving deeper into the intricacies of my truth. And it was a deeply personal experience, witnessing someone I cherished embark on her own journey of self-discovery through her transition, that catalyzed this introspection.
As she physically changed, my unwavering desire for her remained steadfast, illuminating the multifaceted nature of attraction and connection. It was through this experience that I began to peel back the layers of expectation, allowing myself the space to explore the depths of my identity beyond societal constraints. My conclusion was that emotional and spiritual connections were ALWAYS my driving factor, but I was never given the space to arrive there because sexuality had been sold to me as a box I had to fit into.
So what I want to say to you is that your identity is not bound by societal perceptions or past experiences nor is it a fixed concept carved in stone, but rather a nuanced Haute Couture garment woven from your unique experiences, desires, and emotions. Your identity is custom-made and yours alone to explore and define. Just because others may want you in ready-to-wear, it doesn't mean you have to conform to their perceptions.
And it is completely normal for the pressure of societal expectations or assumptions to cast shadows upon your understanding of self. The physical representation of that pressure is EVERYWHERE and it’s evident there is a clear attempt to disorient the soul; even most of the fashion houses have adopted a uniformed approach. Yet, it is essential to sift through these external influences and tune into your inner voice. Take the time to reflect on your feelings, desires, and attractions without the noise of external judgments; who are you without their voices?
Consider this moment not as a verdict to accept, but as a un-cut silk upon which to hand-stitch your truth. Embrace the journey of self-discovery with courage and curiosity, allowing your authentic self to unfold organically. And remember, attraction is a complex interplay of various factors, including physical, emotional, and even spiritual connections. It's entirely possible to feel attracted to individuals regardless of their gender, and this doesn't necessarily fit neatly into traditional labels like gay or straight.
Navigating these complexities of sexuality may feel daunting, but know that you're not alone. Embrace the journey, trust in yourself, and know that you are valid and deserving of love and acceptance, regardless of where your path leads you.
Cue the music!
With Love,
Jeauni